I have a diagnosis – auto-immune hypothyroidism, also known as Hashimoto’s disease. This is chronic inflammatory disorder of the thyroid gland that is caused by abnormal blood antibodies and white blood cells that mistakenly attack and damage the healthy thyroid cells. So what am I going to do next?
As I shared in my last blog (5 Things That Fed My Soul This Weekend), I haven’t left too many stones uncovered! However whilst trying to find solutions to my recent craziness, I realize I am overwhelming myself with trying to understand what, instead of focusing on what next. I have also realised I am not taking time to learn more about this diagnosis. I suppose it’s early days, but I am wondering will I ever know what is normal for me anymore. What is next, is accepting my new ‘Normal’.
Today I am full of emotions, and feel overwhelmed by anything. Brain fog one minute then a clear head the next! It feels like my emotions are a jelly spilling over the top of a paper bag or perhaps trying to balance an egg, in an egg and spoon race.
I visited a psychotherapist a couple of weeks ago. She told me she didn’t think I was depressed, but had been through massive life changes over the years which have become overwhelming. I cried a lot in the session and actually felt some relief afterwards. Subsequently, she emailed me to tell me she didn’t think she could work with me and it was better to be transparent at the beginning.
She said this was because she couldn’t offer the solutions I needed in the short term and worked with people on a deeper more long term level. I think she meant I am too normal! I am wondering if its something to do with my reaction when she asked me if I would be able to see her in the evenings from August. My response was ‘I thought I would be fixed by then!’ Perhaps that’s not the right thing to say to a therapist!
What is normal for me? I know I am an emotional person. However I think for many years I had taught myself to become comfortably numb. Perhaps it started with shutting away grief of six miscarriages, my mum’s death and a life I knew and loved in England. I absolutely embraced my life in Shanghai and then Singapore, but ten years is big chunk of your life. Having returned, I am wondering if I am grieving the safe expat life I lived in Singapore ‘the safety of the bubble?’ which became my normal?
I have always thought of my normal as a chatty, friendly open person. However, I think my recent impulsive behaviour has left me vulnerable to talking too freely with random strangers. My dear late mum used to say that ‘Linda wears her heart on her sleeve’. The other day another friend said the same to me. I can’t be who I’m not, but perhaps ‘Nofilterlou’ needs to learn to be a bit more cautious. This is easier said than done for me, but I guess I’ll have to learn. You see I think many people are cautious, even suspicious and I’m probably not their cup of sunshine! This was a wonderful line in the film RV with Robin Williams.
So how do we know what is our normal? Do we look at the past us, or embrace the present. Over-analyzing is what I keep doing and I’m told t to live in the moment, not to think about the future. This is hard for a person like me who wants to be in control.. I’m learning that how I feel, right now, is OK, is quite normal!